It was spring, such a beautiful season, everything glows, everything is new and beautiful, I wonder why it is the season in which more suicides are committed.
As usual I was getting ready to go to work, hurry, hurry, hurry. The made didn’t arrive yet, my daughter was asleep and Paul was in the bathroom (let’s leave the made non-arrival to him).
- I’m leaving honey!
- Ok. I’ll see you later
Busy day, the traffic was unbearable! But as usual I took a cub (I put my make up in the car), then the subway and get to work.
- Hey Cristal. (That’s Marcela)
- Hello,
I answer with dislike; she is mean to me, always trying to find a way to make my life miserable. Oh! But do not get me wrong, I actually feel sorry for her, she is the kind of persons who will never exist, because she is afraid of life and as I do live without fear of being myself, then she is nasty with me and criticizes anything I do, because she would like to do it too and yet, she doesn’t dare. Poor soul!!!
Now, let’s work. The screen in front of my eyes looks at me and I feel like in a battle field, my back is already hurting me (all day sited).
Let’s escape all the crap of the working day, it’s too much…..
Then back home again. It’s starting to get dark already. 6 PM and it feels like 8. It feels like it is still winter. The mornings to me are eternal springs, while the day goes on; all seasons pass by my eyes. This afternoon is as midwinter and the twilight allows me to see the tiredness of all peoples, the dust that attaches to every eye, dust of life. It makes me feel sick. The smell of bodies who in hurried lives gives of lost in thoughts faces which reaches to my skin and trespass my own tiredness. Oh! I could sleep an entire week if I had the time and if my husband, my daughter, the maid, and everybody would allow me to.
I need a break, but no, life doesn’t give it to me. I actually have to go to the supermarket before I get home, then do homework with my daughter, then cook, then, oh! Shit! I forgot I don’t have anything clean for tomorrow; I will certainly have to do some laundry too.
I wanted to take a buss to get home, it would be only one straight ride home, but busses are all coming full. I’ll have to take a taxi and the sub again, I wish I could ride my car to work, but hey, where would I park? And, if I find where. How much would I pay?
Big cities, they are all the same, busy and make you tire. But, how much do I love you Babylon!! I wouldn’t dream of leaving in any other place. Here you have everything, arts, richness, poorness, love and hatred. No, I don’t have a dimension of its extension, but the extension of knowledge is right here. I know it, I can even taste it.
- Mommy, mommy, you are home!
- Hi my angel
- How’s my baby today?
- Good mommy, but Sebastian hit me today at the buss, I hate him.
- Why did he do such a thing to you sweet heart?
- I took his candies. But he didn’t have the right to hit me, didn’t he?
Oh, baby, you are asking too much from me. You are asking me to tell you what is good and what is right. You are asking me to define white from black to you and how can I explain to you that life is immerse in a big, big gray?
Let’s allow you to figure it out by yourself, we all must do that. In the end that’s the purpose of living. Isn’t it?
- No honey, he didn’t have the right to do that to you, but you didn’t have the right to take his candy either.
I went to the kitchen and started to cook immediately, I was running out or time.
- Miss Cristal, Linda didn’t want to do her homework. The cat doesn’t have enough food and I will be late tomorrow, because I have to meet my son’s teacher at 7 o’clock.
- Ok. Don worry Celina, I’ll take care of everything, I already got the cat’s food at the supermarket and tomorrow I can get a little late to go to work. You can live now. I’ll see you tomorrow, have a good nigh.
- Thank you and good nigh Senora.
Paul got home late tonight, (good, I can have a cigarette without his complaining). I went outside while Linda was doing her homework before I reviewed it.
The night was shining with the moon; I could smell the wet soil. The cigarette in my mouth gave me pleasure and I could rest for a little bit in my chair looking at the sky. What a beauty we are surrounded of and we can hardly see it.
- Hello! Is anybody home?
- Yes honey, I’m here, I’ll give you a tea immediately
- How was your day?
- Good, in fact I was thinking about going out for dinner tonight
- Oh no honey, thank you any ways, but I already cooked.
- It smells good!
Yes, life goes on, one day after the other, working, cooking, and just living. I feel a little bored of doing the same thing day by day. What can humans do about monotony? How can we make a new life out of the same shit year after year? What is the meaning of living?
I don’t want to think, I don’t want to work, I don’t want to, I just can’t. But nobody can know it. What would they think of me? They get what I give and if I don’t give them what they are expecting, then, what would happen to their lives?
So I must go on.
- Honey, come to sleep, it’s late!
- I’m coming, let me get my laundry, I don’t have anything to wear tomorrow
- But it’s late, I’m tired
- I’m too, you sleep, I’ll be there in a minute
Brush my teeth, make my pony tail, pajamas on and in bed I finally are…………..
(me singing)
“Come to him, he is fountain of new life. Come to him, he is life and true peace”
It is dark; I am in an old and dusty house made out of soil and straw. The furnisher is coarse, rustic, old and as dusty as the floor. I see myself with pajamas and holding a broom sweeping mountains of dust, and singing.
“Come to him, he is fountain of new life. Come to him, he is life and true peace”
I clean and clean. I have not feelings. Neither sadness nor happiness are part of this process. I only know that I must clean and I sweep all the dust throughout the door with a lot of strength, I start to cry, but without sadness, it’s like the tears are part of the picture and I am in darkness, although I can see everything that is around me.
I clean over and over again and cry over and over again and I sing over and over again:
“Come to him, he is fountain of new life. Come to him, he is life and true peace”……….
- What happened to you honey?
I’m crying in my bed and singing, almost screaming the same song of my dreams:
“Come to him, he is fountain of new life. Come to him, he is life and true peace”
I don’t know what is going on, I just feel a relief and my chest inflated of this new, never experienced before feeling of fulfillment inside of me.
- It’s nothing honey, I was just dreaming.
- What a dream you had sweet heart!
- I’ll tell you all about it later
But I never did and wanted to continue singing but I didn’t either.
So, a new day started and my sight was different. I wanted to embrace everything around me. I saw the beauty in every body and everything. For first time in my life I could understand the harmony and the beautiful dance all things perform in the day by day living.
The traffic was as usual nasty, my tiredness was still there, but I was able to bear it with happiness.
- Hi Cristal
- Hi Marcela
She seemed so different now, poor soul! I said before, poor soul! I said now, but with love. I wanted to hold her and tell her that it didn’t matter, that even if she didn’t “exist” by herself, God was there to exist for her and that she didn’t need to be angry at me anymore, that I was willing to take the risks of life for her if she was afraid.
Of course I didn’t do neither said anything, I didn’t need to. God was there to clean her house for her, just like he helped me to clean mine last night.
Yes, again, let’s escape the part about work, it is not too much any more, but let’s just say that this special day my screen didn’t look at me with nastiness, the machine was my friend, as it was my chair and my back. The pain was part of my process, a part of my life and I was willing to take advantage of anything, anything that could make me feel that I was really, really living, even pain.
Then back home again. It was starting to get dark already again. 6 PM and it felt like 8. It felt like it was still winter, but the winter of my soul in which I was able to die and reborn again. The mornings to me are now more than eternal springs, while the day goes on, all seasons pass by my eyes and I experience them. This afternoon was as midwinter as yesterday and the twilight allowed me to see the tiredness of all peoples and they made me feel love for them, the dust that attaches to every eye, dust of life, but that dust which doesn’t make man dirty, on the contrary, it gives them the opportunity to clean themselves, to call out the song I sang over and over: “Come to him, he is fountain of new life. Come to him, he is life and true peace”
The smell of bodies who in hurried lives gives of lost in thoughts faces which reaches to my skin and trespass my own tiredness but that also trespass me, my soul, because I am part of them. Oh! I could sleep an entire week, yes I am tired and yes I could still sleep an entire week, but begging for a dream like the one I had last night.
I don’t need a break anymore life gives it to me every minute; I just have to find it. I still have to go to the supermarket before I get home, still do homework with my daughter, still cook, then, oh! Shit! Yes, still have to do some laundry too, but I will do it in love, in happiness, those are my brooms, those things I must do are the ones that will allow me to really exist, to clean my house.
Big cities, they are all the same, busy and make you tire and a life. And, how much do I love you Babylon!! I wouldn’t dream of leaving in any other place. Here you have everything, oh! Yes, everything, because it is full of people, dancing in the harmony of life.
Let me rebuilt my conversation with my daughter, the one I had yesterday, which will be repeated every day of my life, with different wording, because kids will always in their own way ask you for answers about life and like in a never ending circle will go so much like yesterday’s conversation:
- Mommy, mommy, you are home!
- Hi my angel
- How’s my baby today?
- Good mommy, but Sebastian hit me today at the buss, I hate him.
- Why did he do such a thing to you sweet heart?
- I took his candies. But he didn’t have the right to hit me, didn’t he?
Oh, baby, you are asking too much from me. You are asking me to tell you what is good and what is right. You are asking me to define white from black to you and how can I explain to you that life is immerse in a big, big gray? Yes you are all over asking for the same questions, but you know? This time I have answers to you. This time I will tell you what is right and what is wrong, this time I will let you see the gray, the black and the white and also the beautiful rainbow we have in life. I want you to appreciate; I want you to taste it. I want you to understand it. And most important I want you to love it.
- No honey, he didn’t have the right to do that to you, but you didn’t have the right to take his candy either.
It’s been fifteen years since I had that dream, fifteen years and it is still so vivid in my soul. When you have dreams like this, please, don’t throw them away, please do not forget them. Live them, experience them, remember them, and write them, just as I have shared this one with you.
